A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
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*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then