sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.