Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.