Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.