Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Ugh
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.