Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
sistine chapel
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.