If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?