“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
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Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
The Friday File.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh