So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
This is my brand.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it