“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My favorite female superhero
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…