what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works