Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.