You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself