[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
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told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
much to think about
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something