DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!