I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
You Might Also Like
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”