Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.