If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
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Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Does beer think about me too?