<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
where the womens at?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread