Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Wait for it
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*