In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?