If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.