They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
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ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation