doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.