Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
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I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!