*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Good morning.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.