{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
You Might Also Like
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.