People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is