None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
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ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans