Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
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All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it