“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Extremely relatable.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me