Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Hot hot hot 🥵
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you