Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
You Might Also Like
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
This meeting could have been a cake
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
CUTE CAT‼︎
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!