walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Phones down.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?