Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I saw this ending much differently.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.