Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?