-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.