Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Just how popey was the pope today?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.