I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
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[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?