Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’d walk over cotton balls for you