Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners