INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Traveler’s camo
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.