being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”