Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind