Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Sing it!
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha