Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.