It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
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date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you