Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.