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Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.