How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
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Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
They’re really bad with fonts.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no